marriage

what do you do when you feel like your marriage has failed?  how do you even begin to deal with that?? 

i have reached a point in my marriage where i just don't care anymore.  it is a loveless, sexless marriage.  i can't even remember the last time we kissed.  i just don't know what happened or where it went wrong.  i guess in reality it was probably a long time coming.  just too many issues that i put up with for so many years.  partially because i love him and partially because i kept waiting for things to change.  for him to grow up.  but now that i am hitting midlife i find that i don't want to wake up a couple years down the road and wonder where my life went.  i have never travelled, never done anything exciting and never truly felt loved and wanted.  i don't want to be like that forever.

so now my question is how do i get out of it??  do i attempt to kick him out?  do i leave on my own??  i know that i couldn't afford rent/mortgage on a place for me and the kids.  i don't hate my husband, in fact i still love him very much.  but i just want so much more out of life than the existence that i'm living now.

i don't know if anyone reads these or not, but i could really use some advice right now.

March 6

hey there.  just me again.  today i think i'm gonna write about my kids.

i have 3...two girls and a boy.  and here's how it stands with them.

my boy is the youngest.  he is my little sweetheart.  he's 10 now and i don't want him to ever grow up or change.  i like him just the way he is.  i never wanted a boy.  especially after all the little boys that we knew were such little hellions.  but he is so special to me.  sweet and loving and affectionate.  oh don't get me wrong, he's a boy through and through.  loves video games, lego and roughing it with his friends.  oh ya, and fighting with his sisters.  :)

then i have my 13 yr old.  she just got her nose pierced.  she is rebellious and defiant like you would not believe.  oh, and a huge slob.  she would rather stay mad at me than anything else in the world.  yet she is by far my most intelligent child.  she gets awesome grades in school without even trying.  and she is so incredibly talented!  anything that she puts her mind to she excels at.  she can sing, dance, draw, paint, you name it.  and for that i am proud of her.  i just wish that we were a little closer sometimes.

and my 15 yr old.  when she was younger she was the shyest kid around.  barely ever spoke.  didn't laugh or cry.  and now, she is so full of life.  so happy.  friends all around her.  and she is making good choices.  don't get me wrong, i'm not naive.  i know she has tried drinking and drugs.  we have talked about it.  but it is not something that she wants to get messed up in.  we've talked about sex and birth control.  we talk about everything.  oh i'm sure there are some things that she doesn't tell me.  but she is not afraid to come to me with anything or ask questions.  i am so incredibly proud of her for that.

the hardest part for me right now is watching my kids grow up, become more independant, make choices and decisions for themselves.  and watching them grow away.  it is becoming harder and harder for them to find time for me.  and it's really hard watching them slip away.  all i can do is try to keep them as close as they'll let me.  and to make sure that they know i will always be there for them.

march 4

well...2 days into medication and nothing seems to have changed yet.  found another lump though.  on the other side of my neck this time.  i wish i could fast forward time and just have this all go away and be better again.

on another note, i was yet again disappointed by my husband last night.  he went out to an event with a friend.  not a big deal, i can deal with that.  but after the event the friend drops him off at the bar and goes home.  so once again my husband goes to the bar on his own.  i guess i just don't understand that.  to what?  sit at the slot machines and drink by yourself??  well, once the bar closed he walked home in his drunken stupor and ended up losing his cell phone battery.  i mean, explain how that even happens.

so, since he got home drunk and slept until 2, that means that my day is messed up and our plans for going out for breakfast are screwed.  why???  yet here i am, putting up with this yet again.

ouch

so i finally broke down and went to see a doctor for the first time in a number of years.  i felt a swelling lump at the bottom of my hairline at the beginning of the week and chalked it up to a zit since i sweat when i sleep.  then the next day i noticed another one further over to the right, only this one didn't feel like a zit.  the next day i noticed i was itchy behind my right ear and found 3 more.  this panicked me enough for me to make a doctors appointment.

i was told that they are lymph nodes which means that they are little pockets of white blood cells that are protecting my body from an infection that it is fighting.  i don't know what the infection is as i don't feel anything different other than the lumps.  they took some blood samples from me and prescribed me some antibiotics.  i have to take them for 10 days and then go back.  if the lumps are not gone (or at least gone down) by then, i may have to have them surgically removed.

needless to say, i am a little scared right now.  so many thoughts and worries are going through my head.  when i looked up lymph nodes on the computer, the word cancer comes up every time.  makes me wonder sometimes whether internet is a good thing or a bad thing.  

i have taken 3 pills so far (only 27 more to go).  i just want this pain and itchiness to go away.  i want everything to be better.  and i most definitely am NOT ready to die.

my day

you ever have one of those days?  well today was mine.  i woke up late this morning and was therefore late for work.  well that just sets the whole day off.  i had to wake up my grumpy husband and beg him to give me a ride to work.  once i got to work i was teased for the first hour about being late.  luckily i am a fairly good spirited person so i laughed and joked along with them.  i shock myself sometimes with my ability to appear in a great mood even though i'm just not really feeling it.

at one point during the day i went for a walk and missed a step and literally fell on my face.  nothing was damaged but my pride.  also ended up staying a half hour after work to make up for the time i missed in the morning.  *sigh*

went shopping after work to get gifts for my boy to take to a party he's going to this weekend.  grumpy came with us as well.  bitched the whole time.  another *sigh*

i'm really hoping that tomorrow is a much better day and not too terribly busy at work.

oh...i forgot...valentines day.  i'm finding lately that i am getting more and more disappointed with the gifts i get from my hubby.  first i should tell you that we don't really celebrate valentines day as our anniversary is close to the same day.  well every year i bug him that it would be really nice to get flowers sent to work.  he is a cheapskape though so he NEVER wants to do this.

this year though, he decided to give it a try.  he showed up at my work with a dozen roses.  they weren't wrapped up or anything, just in that clear plastic stuff.  as he gives them to me he says "you'd better put those in water right away".  i didn't think much of it...

once i got the flowers home i set them in a vase in the kitchen.  i walked past them just before going to bed and noticed that they were all dying.  my daughter then revealed to me that he had bought them the day before so they sat out in the cold vehicle without water all night!  i mean, i guess the thought is nice?  i dunno...any opinions on this??

first time...

well...this is my first time doing a blog.  so i'm just trying this out as my first post.  i guess we'll see how and where it goes from here.